A Devastating Loss
by TheTruthIsInsideOfYou
Summary: Post ep. Loss. Alex and Olivia's thoughts. "It's been two days. Two days since you bled out under my hands."- Olivia  "The room is empty. Where are you?"-Alex. Alex/Olivia
1. A Devastating Loss

**A/N: As often as I wish, I still don't own SVU. It belongs to Dick Wolf and I am merely borrowing Alex and Olivia. Contains spoilers form S5 E4 'Loss'. This is the first part of the prologue to a story that popped into my head one day during my history class. The second part is being written right now and should be up as soon as I have a free moment in college.**

**September 30****th**** 6:00 AM **

**Mercy General Hospital**

**Room 420**

I think back to the last time I saw you. You were above me, a halo around your short brown hair. The panic in your eyes almost made me afraid, but I know you'd never let me slip away. Sweetheart you called me. My limbs feel heavy and leaden and I know I'm in a hospital from the smell of the disinfectant and the constant beeping. My eyelids are so heavy. I'm trying to open them to see you sitting by my bedside, holding my hand. Finally I'm able to open them. I blink as the fuzziness around the edge of my vision fades and I'm left with the usual blurred shapes that await me before I put my contacts or glasses on. The room is empty. Where are you?

"Olivia?" my voice is raspy and sounds dry. "Liv?" I feel panic begin to set in. You would be here. I know you would. The beeping on the heart monitor starts to increase as I look around and see no one and nothing around me. Where are you? I couldn't possibly live with myself if you injured too.

The door opens and in walks an all too familiar face. "Hammond?" I croak, "What are you doing here?"

"You're officially dead Ms. Cabot. I'm here to take you into protective custody." His face remains passive, a blank mask showing nothing.

"Where's Olivia?" I can't help it. Even though I know he said something, I can't process it yet. Where are you?

"Detective Benson is arranging your funeral."

"Funeral?" I'm confused. "I'm not dead." My fuzzy brain begins to catch up to his words. I start to shake my head. "No. I'm not going."

Hammond's jaw clenches and I can't help but smile as I'm still annoying him. "You have to Ms. Cabot. Do you think they will ever stop trying to kill you and your detective friends if they know you're still alive?"

My head is spinning. Liv is planning my funeral and I am about to go into witness protection. Nothing is ever fair in life. I never got a chance to find you Olivia and tell you…

"Fine." I'm more surprised than he is, I think, when I speak that word. "On one condition."

I can see Hammond's brain begin to think, to process. "What do you want?" he sighs, clearly knowing I'll do anything to get my way.

"Let me see Olivia." I start, "she needs to know that I'm not. And Elliot too." By this time my eyes are blazing with determination and I'm daring him to refuse my request.

"I always knew you were a stubborn one." He muttered as he turned to leave my room. "I'll see what I can do."

"No." I shoot back, "Do it or I will stay here in New York. She needs to know she's not responsible." Why do I have this need to see you Olivia? Is it because you saved me? Is it hearing the desperation in your voice as you told me to hang on and called me your sweetheart? Or is it because I want you to know… Now I can see why you were trying to get me to drop the Valdez case. You knew I might lose everything if I didn't. I wish I could turn back time Olivia.

Hammond stands by the door, studying me passively for a few moments before nodding.

"You'll see them before we move you."

And hearing those words, for the first time since I woke up here, I smile and my fear disappears. I try to stop the tears from forming but I can't.

"Thank you." I whisper as he leaves.

**October 1****st**** 4:00 PM  
>SVU Squadroom<strong>

It's been two days. Two days since you bled out under my hands. I still can't that image of you out of my mind. Laying on the pavement, struggling to breathe, with your blonde hair fanned in a halo around you. Calling you sweetheart. I never thought that I'd end up planning your funeral, I always thought it would be the other way around. I'd be shot in the line of duty and you'd be taking care of everything for me. I don't think I've even been home since then. I don't want to go back and see the jacket you left there after Agent Donovan was blown up. I bet it would smell like you and then I wouldn't be able to hold back. I'd cry and end up breaking down. I met your mother for the first time at the hospital. I was covered in your blood and I didn't know what to say. She was kind Alex; she thanked me for stopping the bleeding and sat next to me when you were in surgery. I was crying then, waiting for news. You know they say no news is good news. In your case that was bad news. When the doctor came you, she and I just knew. You were gone. She hugged me Alex, said she didn't blame me and that it wasn't my fault. I cried, I think more than she did.

She took me with her when she left, took me away from Elliot and the unit and she brought me to her apartment. She said she hadn't seen you in a year and two days ago when she'd spoken to you that you said I was your closest friend. I just nodded, and I was confused. I knew we were friends, but closest? That made me break down again. She had silent tears running down her face and she told me, she told me you said you loved me? She said you would have wanted my help with your funeral. I didn't go to work yesterday. She and I planned your service. I don't know what I would have done without your mom Alex, she let me cry on her and took care of me. Without your mom, I don't know what I would have done. You died on me Alex, before I got a chance to tell you that I love you too. I told your mother though.

She smiled, and said now I HAD to help with preparing for your funeral. We finished everything and now I'm back at work. I'm sitting here, trying to do paperwork and all I can see is your blood staining my hands. It's so silent here. I can tell that no one knows what to say, especially to me. They all saw me leave with your mom and then I didn't talk to them yesterday or today. It's too silent. I'm almost expecting to hear the click of your heels any moment now to tell me that this is all some sick joke.

"Hammond wants to see you. Something about closing the case." Cragen's voice cuts through my thoughts and I turn to look at him. I just nod and get up, picking up the slip of paper with the address to meet Hammond. I look down and read it as Elliot and I walk out the door.

"Why the hell do we have to meet him at a beach?" I mutter, the first words I've spoken to Elliot since the hospital.

He looks at me piercingly and shakes his head, "I don't know."

The drive to this location has taken hours and now I'm wondering where there is a caravan of government sedans. I exchange a glance with Elliot before exiting the car and walking towards Hammond's car.

"Nice location. Convient?" Elliot speaks for the both of us and I can hear his sarcasm.

"Sorry. Only way to do this." Hammond seems not to have noticed and continues to walk towards a car with armed guards. My mind is racing with possibilities.

"Do what?" my voice cracks as walk with him.

"Wouldn't take no for an answer. Real pain in the ass this one." No way, it's not possible. That would mean that you're alive. It's the only thing that makes sense.

When the door opens and you step out my face starts to tremble. I can't believe it.

**Beach, New York State 7:00 PM**

I can see you tremble as you see me. You're still wearing the same jacket from the night I got shot. I inhale haltingly, taking the scent of leather mixed with what smells like my mother's perfume and what I can only describe as you. I can't believe you're here standing across from me and it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to jump into your arms right now, gunshot wound be damned.

"I am so sorry about all of this." I can hear my voice quavering as I talk and look into your eyes. I want to tell you so badly how sorry I really am. I want to tell you how much I'll miss you, how much I already do. How much I love you. I hope you see all of this in my eyes as I speak those words. I think I can see the same thing in your eyes, the sadness and guilt you have and you are actually crying silent tears as you speak the next few words.

"Your funeral is tomorrow." I don't know how, but I can sense every emotion going on in your head right now and your voice is actually quavering. I've never seen you like this before. You keep looking at me, your eyes shining as you speak and I can tell you're trying just as hard not to reach out to me as I am to you.

"And you're both expected to attend." Hammond's voice cuts through our moment as I realize its not just you but that there are a lot of people around.

"For the time being Miss Cabot's better off dead. If Velez can get to Zapata he can get to her."

I shake as Hammond speaks the name of the men who have forced me into this choice, into running away from everything and everyone I've ever known. You nod understandingly, a flicker of understanding coming into your eyes.

"Witness Protection."

"Until Velez is extradited or, otherwise dealt with." I can feel my voice begin to change with fear and trepidation creeping in. I don't want to leave you Olivia. I avoid eye contact with you as I say that.

"How long?" Your voice is a far cry from normal. You are sad and I hate that I have been the cause of the sadness and pain in your voice. I try to answer, shrugging as I can't find something that will satisfy you and I. The tears begin to spill over as I take another look into your eye. I see love there and I try to show you love in my eye as I stare, before nodding my head. If this is all we get, then I could die a happy woman. I see you love me just as I love you.

"We're on the move." One of the Marshalls speaks and I turn away from you to get back into the SUV. I know if I turn around now I will never be able to leave you and I know I have to. I can feel your gaze on me.

"Alex?" you whisper and I turn around, knowing that I shouldn't, you catch my eye and mouth the words '_I love you'_ as you walk back to your car. I nod, mouthing them back from inside the SUV as we pull away towards my new life in who knows where.

**A/N: So, I hope that this wasn't too crappy. Please review and tell me, did I totally mangle their characters or is okay? Should I write in third person for the next chapter or is this first person okay?**


	2. A Year Without You

**A/N: Thank you Badmut32 and Mini-Olivia-Benson for reviewing. Here's the second part of my prologue for my story. Again, I don't own Law & Order SVU or the characters of Alexandra Cabot or Olivia Benson. They belong to Dick Wolf. I also don't own the X Files….By the way, the town is real **

**October 2****nd**** 10:00 PM**

**Appleton, Wisconsin**

My new life is here in Wisconsin. Here I am Emily Jones, the 30 year old Insurance Claims Adjuster from Bensenville, Illinois. When I had first seen the name I thought it had said Bensenville. It had made me laugh on the long flight over. I had at least one connection to Olivia. Not having the chance to go to her apartment meant that I have nothing that belonged to her now.

"Why?" I muttered into the empty two story house, "Why me?"

I felt a wave of despair wash over me as I think about Olivia who is probably asleep at home after my funeral. That's a weird thought. Olivia was at my funeral and she probably gave me a eulogy. I shivered at the thought. Thinking about Olivia made pain wash over me. I decide that I should do something productive since I don't feel like I can sleep in this house yet. The rooms are all sparsely decorated, like the house of my mother. Another wave of pain washes over me. My mother, I may not be able to see her again. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea to look around. The TV catches my attention.

Maybe I can find something worthwhile to watch to distract me for now. The buzzing sound it makes as it turns on seems to fill the quiet room like a scream piercing the night. The channel is MSNBC news. The current story…. "No!" I practically yelled. Would I never be allowed to get away from my death? There was a story on about the ADA who died in pursuit of drug cartel case. Then I see it. Olivia is standing with my family, next to my mother. A watery smile crosses my face. At least they'll have each other. When exactly did they meet? Probably in the hospital waiting for me, is my guess. Seeing Olivia, however briefly it was made me feel slightly better. She'll take care of my mother and I know my mother will take care of her. By now the story has long past, we're talking of a scandal with another politician. It makes me shake my head and wonder why I ever thought I would want that life.

**August 27****th**** 10:00 AM **

**Insurance For All**

Alex, or Emily as she was now known had been at work since 6 am that day, trying to sort out a complicated claim involving two car accidents. Even though the work was nothing like her previous job, over the past ten months she had grown to enjoy it. Her cubicle was barely the size of a desk at SVU, but she was rarely there for any longer than she needed to be. It was a stark contrast to those of her co-workers with only the papers she needed and her computer in there. There was no sign that she had a family, friends or even worked there. Her concentration was broken as she heard the TV turn to a breaking news report.

She looked up, expecting to see some new political scandal or perhaps a celebrity, but what she got was different.

"From New York City…" After those words were spoken she felt the color drain from her face. Every time a news story broke from there she worried it would involve Olivia. They never did, but it still worried her. The next words caught her attention.

"The 16th Precinct, or Special Victims Unit, as it is known." She couldn't breathe. Something had happened. That made the news. With Olivia's squad.

"There was a cult of some kind and they started to open fire on the officers. First officer on the scene, Detective Olivia Benson, tried to negotiate with the hostages but…."

She felt her heart hammering inside her chest as she heard Olivia's name. What happened next however eased her worries.

The camera on screen switched to a press conference. Olivia was standing on the screen next to a red-headed woman. They were talking about the leader and his escape. All Alex could do was watch as Olivia took the podium and began to speak. Her heart unclenched and she could have burst out laughing in relief. Olivia was okay.

**September 30****th**** 10:00 PM**

**Appleton, Wisconsin**

It had been exactly a year since she was Alex Cabot. 365 days of going by the name of Emily Jones. It seemed surreal that it had only been a year. To Alex it felt like it had been at least two, maybe three years of living in solitude and not being able to be herself from the big things like her name to the small like her favorite color. Alex poured herself another shot of whiskey, wincing as she felt it burning down her throat. She had hardly ever drank anything other than wine before entering the program and now it seemed to be a daily ritual to have a glass or two before bed to prevent the nightmares.

As she reached for the bottle again, she realized it was empty. '_Great. I drank a whole bottle in a little less than an hour. Way to be healthy Lex…'_ She shook off the thought and decided it was high time she went to her room to pretend to sleep. There was no way she could sleep now, not on the anniversary of the hell she went through.

Maybe she could watch TV. Find some banal program to occupy her mind. Infomercials were always good for that here. She tottered unsteadily to the top of the stairs and into her room. She didn't even bother removing her clothes before slipping under the covers. She felt her shoulder twinge and ignored it. Another reminder of why she was here in this empty two story house…

The TV was a bust. There was nothing on. She passed documentaries, movies, and old shows until there was something familiar. The X Files was on. She hadn't watched this show since she was in law school. Four hours, and a marathon of X Files later, she wasn't feeling so alone anymore. The show wasn't half as bad as she remembered and she was silently rooting for Mulder and Scully to get together. She was shaking her head in amusement at their thick headedness. The two were obviously in love and they had implied that there was sex going on not even an episode ago. Then Mulder disappeared into a spaceship and Skinner told Scully he was gone. She was sitting in a hospital bed alone. Alex's smile and good mood vanished immediately as she began to cry, reminded of her own hospital stay a year ago. Slowly, the tears stopped and breathing began to even out. She had cried herself to sleep. Not even twenty minutes later, her figure began to contort in bed. She began to whimper in her sleep.

"No!No!" she was screaming, "Not Olivia!"

She shot awake, her lithe frame trembling as tears rolled down her cheeks. "Olivia…" she whispered. Alex blindly reached for the phone, not caring that this next action could possibly put her in danger or get her killed. She dialed an achingly familiar number with trembling hands before looking at her clock.

2:20. She hoped Olivia was home and would answer. There were a few tense seconds of ringing before a voice answered.

"Hello?" Alex exhaled as she heard Olivia's voice. "Who is this?" Alex froze; she didn't know what to say.

The detective's voice was becoming frustrated. "Hello?"

Alex whimpered, before whispering. "Liv?"

**A/N: So, there it is. I'm going to try and finish Olivia's thoughts over the year and then I'll add them next chapter. I should hopefully have them up by Friday and then the sequel, Bring Me To Life should be put up either next Monday or Wednesay. Please review and tell me if it was good, bad, ugly? **


	3. Here Without You

**A/N: So, here it is. The final part of this trilogy. I know I was supposed to have posted it on Friday, but my family is still over from Thanksgiving. We had dinner on Thursday and spent the day together on Friday before having dinner again…. But now we're all back home so, here goes. Plus, now I've got a severe cold… At least since I'm not going to class I can write. Thanks to peterpeter, Cmoni, and kleberm for reviewing.**

**October 2****nd**** 10:00 AM**

**Church of St. Andrew**

I don't want to be here. That thought rang through Olivia Benson's head as she stood at the foot of the coffin. The coffin that was supposed to hold her best friend, but instead held nothing. Alex Cabot was currently in some other part of the country hidden under a false name with the US Marshalls. She'd spent the better part of two days thinking that her best friend, the one she loved was dead until a few hours ago when Hammond had called her to "close the case". The feeling of relief she felt was immense and the realization hadn't really dawned on her until today as she stood next to Amanda Cabot. Her closest friend was gone; alive, but unable to contact anyone she'd ever known as Alexandra Cabot in order to protect herself. She may never be home again. With that realization hitting her like a ton of bricks, Olivia stepped to the podium to deliver a eulogy for Alex. The tears were spilling out as she spoke of her best friend.

"Alex Cabot was an amazing woman. No matter what the cost she stood for her values. In the face of a death threat from a drug lord, she still would not back down and did what she believed in and for that I will remember her every day." As she spoke these words, she began to sob thinking of Alex in a cold new place. Amanda came up to her and gently put an arm around her, pulling her back to the family.

**October 8****th**** 11:00 AM**

**Wolcott Residence**

"Look like pharmaceuticals to me. It's in the warrant. Bag it." An unfamiliar red head cut into my conversation with the wife.

"Who the hell are you?" I snap at her, wondering how she got into a secure house.

Elliot steps over to introduce us. "That's our new ADA. Casey Novak, Olivia Benson. Olivia, this is Casey Novak."

I scowl at her, wondering why the hell she is at the crime scene when she doesn't need to be. That was your job, Alex, I think as my thoughts wonder to how you're doing wherever you are. This new ADA is quite pretentious. Moreso than you ever were. You should be here with us, working this crime scene, or at least trusting us enough to do a damn apartment search…. I don't think I'll enjoy working with this new ADA at all. She'll never fit in with us, or be you. I finish searching the house as I wonder about you.

**September 30****th**** 5:00 PM**

**SVU Squad Room**

It was exactly a year to the day that Alex had been shot. Olivia had been in the squad room since near midnight after a dream had awoken her. The sounds of gunfire had pervaded the air as Alex went down and Olivia had frozen. She was staring in shock as Alex bled out on the pavement calling out to her. After waking up in a cold sweat nearly screaming, Olivia had showered and practically ran into the station for a distraction; a new case, a cold file, anything to not remember the dream and to push thoughts of Alex out of her mind.

"Hey Liv?" A voice cut through her silent efforts of concentration. She snapped her attention to her partner, shooting him a questioning glance.

"We're just about to head out to O Malley's for a drink? You gunna join us?"

Olivia paled, remembering the events that took place just outside the bar a year ago.

"No, I've got some more DD-5s to work on. I'll see you all tomorrow."

**September 30****th**** 10:00 PM**

**Olivia Benson's Apartment**

There was nothing on TV to distract her from the anniversary of Alex leaving. She stared, trying to find something to do, to get her mind off of the blonde attorney and nothing came to mind but for one thing. Olivia had always avoided drinking; she refused to turn out like her mother and as such rarely, if ever, drank at home alone. Tonight, however, she felt like she could break her rule just once. Have a glass of Makers Mark and find some ridiculous movie to numb her mind until she fell asleep.

Now, she was nursing her second glass watching a ridiculous comedy about people racing for a prize of 2 million dollars. She found herself more interested in the movie than she thought was possible. It was funny, if not a bit over the top.

**October 1****st**** 3:20 AM**

**Olivia Benson's Apartment**

_She was sitting at a table with Alex, who was wearing a form-fitting red dress much like the one she wore when she went out with Trevor Langan at the Italian restaurant. They were laughing, joking, and having a good time over a candlelit table in Olivia's apartment. Alex was leaning forward-Suddenly there was a jarring noise. It sounded like a phone._

The shrill ringing of the phone jarred Detective Olivia Benson from her oddly peaceful sleep. Since Alex had been shot nearly a year ago, there had been no nights without nightmares of some kind. Even last night she had been in the throes of a particularly violent nightmare. She looked down at her cell phone, confused when there was no name on the screen. The ringing continued. It was her home phone, she realized. She glanced at the clock. 3:20 am. No one called her on her home phone at this time. Ever.

She picked up the phone, glancing at the number for a moment before realizing she had no idea where the area code was from. The name was unfamiliar as well. Emily Jones. She'd never heard that name before. Odd… She thought as she answered.

"Hello?" she mumbled her voice laced with confusion and sleep. "Who is this?"

The other end of the line was silent for nearly a minute and all Olivia could hear were the sounds from an infomercial playing on her TV. She turned it off before speaking again.

"Hello?" Olivia called again with frustration. Being a cop, there were numerous scenarios that occurred as there was still silence.

She heard someone inhale sharply, as if they were in pain, then a word came through the phone. The voice was so achingly familiar Olivia was sure she had imagined it. Surely Alex wasn't calling. She knew the risk that would be there if she called.

"Liv?" the voice came again, sounding hesitant and scared so unlike the normal tone of Alexandra Cabot.

Olivia almost whispered her name in response, before catching herself.

**A/N: I know ending it there really isn't fair, but I'm about to post the first chapter of the sequel Bring Me to Life. Please review! **


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